Leap of Faith

 I have the utmost respect for Wile E. Coyote. Sure, he's a bumbling, accident prone, over-ambitious, theoretically-careless mammal, but you gotta admit, he's got spunk. Although, after having seen my umpteenth roadrunner cartoon, "rooting for the underdog" suddenly loses its appeal. But, even this poor, pathetic fool has bits to teach. No, not that explosives are dangerous, nor that he shouldn't keep buying them from the same manufactures, considering that their products "redefine" the term "faulty and dangerous". No, he teaches that despite the risk, one must always be willing to take chances, through which their persistence can and shall be rewarded. It was an epiphany I had. Epiphanies are interesting. Not just the fact that you have them, but that you can have them anywhere. I had mine very recently, while dangling by my ankles, like a fish on a hook, 275 feet above a raging river ( no, I don't owe anybody money nor was this a cruel and unusual interrogation technique). But, as always, there's more to this story. Therefore, if I may.......

 Despite my personality, I have led quite a sheltered and mellow life. I have not done much, beyond that which was required of me by my family (stay out of trouble and finish school). While I have tried to have my own experiences, I have had various obstacles standing in my way (notably overprotective parental figures and other associated busybodies). But after a while, when your spirit begins to break slightly, when you begin to lose focus on what you can only assume is light at the end of the tunnel, when you begin to lose hope, then its easy to delude yourself into compromise & acceptance. For example, a friend of mine had spoken to me about a 3-year period of celibacy, stating that "...after the first year of not getting any, its easy to convince yourself that this is by choice".
 Having moved out of the house, I found myself on my own, the big bad wolf, stalking his plains, looking for action. While I didn't fool myself to the extreme, I had some modest ambitions of fun, excitement and a hint of romance here and there, coupled with whatever reward I would receive for the hard work that I would be more than willing to put into whatever endeavor I found myself in. But alas, it was not to be.
 The most reliable thing about life is the fact that absolutely nothing will go according to plan. That couldn't be more true in my case. I had believed for so long that if I had a plan, if I prepared for every possible contingency, if I mapped out my options methodically, if I never deviated from it in any way, I would be just fine. However, my best laid plans could not prepare me for the direction in which my life took me. In the course of several years, my world has been turned upside down, on various fronts, in various aspects, for various reasons that range from unforeseeable circumstances to sheer misfortune. I've moved constantly. Learned how to lead a nomadic lifestyle. People have come and gone. And any sense of being, sense of purpose had all but been thrown out the window.
 Even now, though I have been settled in a town that I can only describe as "the Scandinavian Deliverance", for a while I had felt this sense of......hopelessness. A sensation of falling, through life. As if I was on the path to some potential calamity, though I had no real way of stopping or even pulling the brakes. And when I thought some semblance of salvation was upon my horizon, it merely turned out to be the half-way point in a race that displayed itself to be almost never-ending. Maintaining any hope beyond that was as likely as holding on to a handful of sand, the many grains slipping through your fingers. And like other forms of delusion, one would begin to think of memories, or the lack thereof. And the need to create them, in order to place some value in oneself, thereby providing some validation of one's life.....which led me to bungee jumping.
 To anyone reading this that knows me, YES, I'M AWARE THAT I'M THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD YOU WOULD EXPECT TO SEE DO THIS. YES, I KNOW THAT MOST OF YOU HAD YOUR MONEY ON "BIG BROTHER", NOT ME, DOING THIS. SORRY TO DISAPPOINT!!!!!
 Anyways, when I had first heard that I would have an opportunity to do this, my first instinct was, HELL YEAH. Not just because it was new and I was bored, but because I felt it could give me the bump that I needed, the motivation to "make the most of life" or some other live-life crap like that. From the minute I first heard about it, until I set-foot on the platform, I was in a state of meticulous planning, detailing every possible way to get to my destination (a small town called Rjukan), perform my stunt and get back home. Calls were made, favors were called in, promises were made, asses were kissed and so on. And on the day in question, after driving out there, signing up, receiving the necessary instructions, strapping on all the harnesses, stepping out onto the platform & saying my prayers, a single thought had entered my mind....."HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING"!!??  For a second, I stood there, hesitant and admittedly scarred-stupid. For a second, I had considered turning around, getting off the platform, unhooking all the harnesses, getting a full refund and walking away with my tail between my legs. For a second. And it was at that second that I chose to jump.
 As I leaped off, free falling for 3 seconds, give or take an eternity, I did not have that sense of my life flashing before my eyes. Instead, I felt fear, adrenaline, followed by a sense of calm, as well as the effect of gravity on my body and the eventual tug of the bungee cord, suspending me above the river, thus saving me from a nasty fall and a premature death. And the rest is pretty much history.
 While I am glad to have had the experience, there was one question that kept coming back to me, why did I jump? Granted, I had already paid for it, but that is hardly a sufficient reason. My life outweighs any monetary value. And despite what some, if not all who are reading this might believe, I'm not THAT depressed.
 The reason was simple. I was afraid to jump, but I was too scarred not to jump. I was too scarred of waking up years later, regretful, wishing I had taken the chance I was given.
 And hence, the moral of this entire trip, as well as my first step into the world of extreme activities, which I am happy to announce, I shall pursue. The point is, life is dangerous, life is hard, life is a bitch. But it is beautiful, stunning and simplistic. It simply requires that you make an effort and take a chance. Sure, a risk is a risk, no matter how you paint it. But, the thing about taking a chance is, 9 times out of 10, you end up feeling better for taking it, regardless of the outcome. And while I am aware of the other innumerable ways that my "virgin jump" could have ended, I am nonetheless satisfied with it.
 So yeah, taking chances are hard and scary. Sure, they can sometimes blow up in your face. But without taking a chance, you can't move forward, you can't get what you want, you can't succeed. Its a leap of faith, like many other things in life. And while it does take some courage, that courage is never far away, for what is courage, if not action in spite of fear?
 So, as I finish off this latest entry while watching yet another Roadrunner cartoon, I leave with 2 thoughts. First, this jump will not be my last. I have not become an adrenaline junkie nor am I suicidal. I've decided to embrace the fear, to let it linger, to envelop me, for I can only become a better man once I overcome it. And secondly, even though I, as well as all of you, know how this will end, I do hope that Wile E. Coyote gets the roadrunner. After all, with all that fire power, how could he not?? *wink wink

P.S. Aside from the the fear, the only other thing on my mind at the time of the jump was R Kelly's "I believe I can fly". I wonder how appropriate that was?? Lol