To (be) Forgive(n)

 Does anyone remember Josh Hartnett? Whatever happened to him, I wonder? Sure, Hollywood being as fickle as it is, one would assume that his star all but fizzled and died, but that can’t be true for everyone? Anyways, I was channel-surfing, in the midst of nostalgia one night when I came across “40 days and 40 nights” and I just couldn’t help but peep that piece one more time. For the benefit of those impartial to cheesy flicks, it was the story of a man who attempts to recover from a bad break-up by first engaging in a series of unfulfilling one night stands and then abstaining from any form of sexual activity during lent, the 40 days and 40 nights leading up to Easter.  Why do I start off with that? Well, I suppose it was because I thought it was a clever sedge way into the topic of Easter and if it wasn’t….well hey, you swing and you miss. Anyways, Easter was here. Well, for some it was technically the week before, but for us of the orthodox faith, we celebrate a week later. And man, do we celebrate. According to tradition in my native land, one is to abstain from all meat and meat by-products for the aforementioned period of time, as a sacrifice to prove their love for god. Come Easter, the good people would partake in a feast of freshly made food that would bring out the gluttony in even the holiest of men. But, I’m not writing about that.

 While in church the other day (yes, I do attend church, for those of you surprised by that statement), I had a brief moment of pain. Nothing physical, but more….emotional, perhaps even spiritual. I think I can honestly say that I felt it in the very depths of my soul, for those of you inclined to believe in that. I suppose ultimately if I had to put a word to that feeling, it would be……shame.

 What is one of the greatest gifts a person can give to another? Hold on to that thought and we’ll get back to that later. Anyways….shame. I mean, not the kinda shame you would get when you cheat on your diet or have that extra glass of wine at dinner or whatever you’re partial to. I mean, the kinda shame you would get from doing wrong, in the knowledge that you’re actions or inactions have hurt someone, in the realization that you are the reason for another’s misfortunate or discomfort. Well, that’s what I felt. Admittedly, I can’t for the life of me imagine why. Sure, I’m no saint, but still.

 Then it hit me. It’s more complicated. I mean, what if we’re not talking about recent events. What if we’re talking about past events, by which I mean each and every bad, wrong, unethical, immoral, unthinkable, unscrupulous, deceitful and even questionable act you have ever committed during your tenure on this floating marble called earth. Well….congratulations, you just had a peek into my 30 seconds of hell while in church (the irony of that is not lost on me). But then, I also had another 30 seconds of torment regarding those who’ve done the same to me.

 So, I spent Sunday mass swinging on an emotional pendulum between shame for my sins and anger towards the sins of others, all the while trying to understand why I was feeling this way and whether or not I was (finally) losing my mind. It didn’t occur to me until later that perhaps both were in regards to one concept.

 I direct you back to my earlier question. What’s one of the greatest gifts a person can give to another? Forgiveness. To forgive and to be forgiven. Essentially, that’s one of the pillars that Christianity preaches (though I’m not the best Christian in the world and I’m most certainly not an authority on the matter). The good book preaches that it is through forgiveness that we find peace. The almighty can and has forgiven us and we therefore must forgive each other. But like I said, I’m no priest and this is not a sermon.

 Part of the reason for my feeling was not simply because of sin. It was also because of forgiveness……… or lack thereof. Logically put, admission of wrong doing is hardly adequate to cleanse one’s self. Some acknowledgement of said admission must be given, some acceptance of said admission, some validation in one’s desire to repent must be given. And that’s the problem.

 Forgiveness is hard. Hell, it’s downright impossible at times. How do you do that anyways? How do you look someone in their eye and provide some acceptance and validation of their declaration of regret and remorse? Of all of the almighty’s creations, we are the most capable of inflicting pain and not only are we good at it, we enjoy it. So, knowing this, how can we possibly be capable of providing one with forgiveness, let alone have the audacity to presume we deserve it?

 In the course of my masochistic bout of regret, I realized……like love and war, forgiveness is not logical. We don’t forgive because there’s a method to it. It doesn’t automatically release us from whatever burden of anger and pain we bear. It doesn’t make our insides all warm and fuzzy. It doesn’t induce a sense of sunshine and rainbows during a gloomy day. We forgive…….because we choose to. Why we do so is anyone’s guess. I’ve been down that road a time or two and while I have forgiven people (and have had people forgive me), for the life of me, I can’t understand why. But, maybe that’s just it. We’re not supposed to. Maybe it’s a subtle difference that it induces. Maybe it’ll help us rack up brownie points with the guy upstairs. Maybe it’s karma. Maybe it’s just common courtesy.

 But, it’s hard. There’s no getting around that. In the end, the first step to forgiveness is choice. To choose to forgive. And that’s the kicker. Once you choose to forgive someone, only then can you move forward in that regard. 

 The truth is…..forgiveness is good for the soul. And the truth shall set you free……or so it says in the good book.

 As for me…….I’m in no position to advise anyone on this. I’m just as flawed as the rest of humanity, even more so. But I will say this……

 To those I have wrong, I will never be able to full articulate how truly and irreparably sorry I am. As much as I would hope for you to forgive me for whatever slights I’ve committed, I don’t forgive myself. Therefore, how could I possibly ask you to? Nevertheless….I can only hope.

 To those who have wronged me, I can’t and won’t promise to forgive you…….but I will try. That, I promise.

 So, let us give each other the gift of forgiveness.